Biography: Largo
by American Dental Association
Summary: Written in lovely 2001, Largo is the tragic yet beautiful tale of Legato's obese stunt-double brother. Drink beer with Katie and Emilee! Scream with Zazie! Dance with Tim the potato! Sing with the Gung-Ho Guns! All for only $10.99!
1. How To Kill Off An Entire Crew Without E...

Largo

Largo

_(The camera pans up to the "Biography" sign.)_

_ _

**Emilee:** Welcome to Biography.Today, I, Emilee, and my co-host Katie-

_(Emilee looks around.)_

** **

**Emilee:**Who's not here…

_ _

_(Katie stumbles in and hands a beer to Emilee.)_

** **

**Katie:**Here, we'll need this…Welcome!Today, we're telling the long-lost story of-

_ _

_(Katie freezes.Emilee takes a LONG swig of beer.)_

** **

**Emilee:**Largo.

_ _

_(Emilee hits Katie's head.Katie blinks and falls over.)_

** **

**Emilee:**The reason Katie's so pale is because I have to show you Largo's baby picture.

_ _

_(Emilee starts to twitch.Katie gets up.)_

** **

**Katie:**NOOOO!For the love of meatloaf, don't show the picture!

_(Largo's baby picture flashes on screen.The camera man falls over dead, only to be replaced by Kata-chan.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Largo *hack* was born to Mr. and Mrs. Bluesummers.

_(Emilee sets down her beer can.)_

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**Emilee:**That was a sad day for the world…

_(Katie drains her beer can and throws it off stage, hitting the director who is replaced by Michiru.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**Yes, Largo was an evil child…

**Katie:**And fat.

_(Emilee nods.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**And fat.And I'm afraid we now have to show his pictre…

**Katie:**NOOOOOO!!!Not more pictures!

**Emilee:**At age two.Those with fragile minds or young children are advised to turn off their TVs.

_(Largo's picture flashes on screen, killing the unprepared prop boy and all other members of the cast, except for the sound guy.Sasami and Hotaru walk onto stage and start working on the props and lighting and other such things.Emilee picks up her empty beer can and throws it at the sound guy, who falls over dead.)_

_ _

**Katie:**You just killed the last crew member.

**Emilee:**Bring in some extras!

**Katie:**The extras were killed by Largo's *hack hack* baby picture.

_(Emilee blinks.)_

_ _

**Emilee:******Oh.Well, find someone!

_(Hotaru leaves the set to find a replacement sound guy.Everyone stands around tapping their feet.Katie starts whistling.Emilee kicks her.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**Stop it!

**Katie:**…So…

**Emilee:**So…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**So… tell me more about these dreams of yours…

**Katie:**You don't wanna know.

**Emilee:**Fine.

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**So…

**Katie:**Yep…

**Emilee:**When do you think she's gonna get back?

_(Katie shrugs.Emilee sighs.)_

_ _

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**So…

**Katie:**So…

**Emilee:**Does Wolfwood like… cheese?

**Katie:**Um…

_(Katie sweatdrops.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**…

**Katie:**…

**Emilee:**Do you wanna know the meaning of life?

**Katie:**Do you actually _know_ the meaning of life?

**Emilee:**Sure!My potato told me!It's simple, really.The meaning of life is-

_(Hotaru bursts onto stage.)_

_ _

**Hotaru:**I found the replacement!When I told him Emilee was working here, he screamed and ran.But I caught him!

**Katie:**So bring him in!

_(Hotaru pulls on a chain, and Zazie, who looks terrified, walks in.Zazie looks at Emilee.)_

_ _

**Zazie:**YAAAAAAH!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!Anything but HER!

_(Emilee zips across the room.)_

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**Emilee:**ZAZIEZAZIEZAZIEZAZIEZAZIEZAZIEZAZIEZAZIEZAZIEZAZIEZAZIE!!!

_(Zazie tries to run away, but Emilee glomps him.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**Zazie!

**Zazie:**MAKE HER GO AWAY!!!

_(Katie turns to Hotaru.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Why did you bring _him_ here?!

**Hotaru:**Sorry…

_(Everyone but Katie, Emilee, and Zazie snicker.)_

_ _

**Katie:**We have to take a short commercial break to… _restrain_ *HAAAACK* our co-host.

** **


	2. The PEZ Dispenser

Largo

Largo

_(Camera zooms in on Katie and Emilee with more beer.)_

_ _

**Katie:**And now, back to the show.

**Emilee:**Zazie…

_(Zazie twitches and whimpers.)_

**Katie:**When are we gonna talk about Largo?

**Emilee:**Fine…

**Katie:**When Largo was five…

_(A picture of five-year-old Largo comes on screen.Hotaru screams and falls over twitching.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**Can we get a medic in here?

_(Two beavers in doctor's outfits carry Hotaru out of the room on a stretcher.)_

_ _

**Katie:**When Largo was five years old, he got a present.A speial little gift-

**Emilee:**Just tell them!

_(Katie takes a long swig of beer.)_

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**Katie:**Named Legato.

_(Emilee shakes her head sadly.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**Poor child…

**Katie:**Yes…

**Emilee:**The night Legato was brought home was the happiest day in Largo's life. 

**Katie:**The first thing Largo did when he saw his baby brother was poke him.

**Emilee:**To see if he would sing like his Barbie dolls!

**Katie:**Barbies?

**Emilee:**And Ken dolls.

_(Katie hides under the news desk.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**When Legato wouldn't sing, Largo soon found another use for him.

_(A picture of Largo sitting on Legato lights up the background.Zazie points and laughs.Katie stands up with an evil gleam in her eye.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Does Zazie sing when you poke him?

**Emilee:**Let's see!

_(Zazie starts to run, but the cords on his headphones yank him back to the sound booth.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke!

**Katie:**He's not singing.

**Emilee:**Then on to step two.Zazie sitting!

**Michiru:**CUT!As the director of this show, I say no Zazie sitting!

**Emilee:**Aww…

**Zazie:**Get… Emilee… AWAY!

_(Emilee ties Zazie to his chair.)_

_ _

**Zazie:**What did I do to her?

_(Katie drags Emilee back to the stage.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Now, as I was saying, this abuse went on for many years.

_(A home movie is shown.It shows Largo and Legato playing a game called "Master and Slave.")_

_ _

**Largo:**Must have piggyback ride, slave!

_(Emilee stops the video.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**This goes on for an hour or so.He never does pick him up.

**Katie:**Legato spent all the time he could away from Largo.He has been known to spend many hours in the shower singing "I've got the urge."

_(Emilee jumps up and down.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**Do we have a sound clip of that?

**Katie:**Well… we did.He sort of took it from me at gunpoint.

**Emilee:**Darn…

**Katie:**There were three major times when Legato fought his older brother.

**Emilee:**The first time was when Legato was ten and Largo ate the last of his rice pudding.

**Katie:**Pudding…

_(Katie finishes her beer, in memory of pudding, and tosses it off stage, hitting Dr. Beaver.)_

_ _

**Dr. Beaver:**Ow.

_(Zazie points and laughs.Michiru hits him over the head.)_

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**Emilee:**You… you… HOW DARE YOU ABUSE THE GREAT ONE?!?!

_(Michiru raises an eyebrow.)_

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**Emilee:**DIEEEEEEEEE!!!

_(Emilee lunges at Michiru, hissing and clawing.Katie rushes to stop the fight, but decides instead to open another beer and watch.)_

_ _

**_AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS._**

**_ _**

_(Knives and Wolfwood are standing in the middle of a grassy field.)_

_ _

**Knives:**…

**Wolfwood:**…

**Knives:**…

**Wolfwood:**…

**Knives:**So…

**Wolfwood:**Are we on?

**Knives:**I dunno.

**Wolfwood:**So…

**Knives:**Um…

**Wolfwood:**…

**Knives:**Have you ever seen Animal Farm?

**Wolfwood:**Yeah…

**Knives:**That's one scary movie…

_(Wolfwood pulls out a tape dispenser and starts playing with it.Knives pulls out a Snoopy PEZ dispenser and shoves it in Wolfwood's face.)_

_ _

**Knives:**Snoopy likes you…

_(Wolfwood screams.)_

** **


	3. Haircut Time for Largo... or... Save The...

Largo

Largo

**Katie:**That was… disturbing.

_(Emilee prances onto stage.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Oh, you're done?

_(Emilee smiles and holds up her bloody hands.)_

_ _

**Michiru (offscreen):**Ow.

**Katie:**Back to Largo…

**Emilee:**No!Back to the cactus!

**Katie:**Errr… No!Legato, in a crazed attempt to win back his rice puddingt, cut Largo's hair.

**Emilee:**Bald Largo. *hack*

**Katie:**He wasn't all bald.He still had some hair in odd places.

_(Kata-chan and Sasami twitch.The beavers come in, grab them by their ankles, and begin to drag them away.)_

_ _

**Sasami:**We're not injured!

**Beavers:**Oh.

_(The beavers drop them and run off stage.Emilee points to Michiru.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**She's injured!

**Dr. Beavers:**SHE'S INJURED!!!

_(Michiru screams and hides under a table.)_

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**Katie:**The director is busy now… We'll be right back…

**_ _**

**_AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS._**

**_ _**

_(Knives and Wolfwood are standing in front of the sea while cheesy elevator music plays in the background.)_

_ _

**Wolfwood:**…

**Knives:**…

**Wolfwood:**… *cough*

**Knives:**…*hack*

_(Wolfwood kicks Knives.)_

**Knives:**OW!

**Wolfwood:***cough* Start the speech *haaaaack*

_(Knives hits Wolfwood in the back.)_

_ _

**Knives:**You okay, buddy?

_(Wolfwood glares at Knives.)_

**Wolfwood:**Ahem… Hello, friends and neighbors-

**Knives:**And butterflies.

**Wolfwood:**Yesssss… anyway, we're here to tell you about the "Save the Plankton Foundation"!

**Knives:**Yes!With a donation of only $50 dollars, you too can be a proud sponsor of one of these noble creatures!

_(Both smile cheesily.Vash prances onto the set.)_

_ _

**Vash:**And I'm here to tell you about the "Save the ME Foundation"!Why, if you could just find it in your heart to donate $300 to me- um, that is, the Save the ME Foundation-

_(Suddenly, a potato with a lasso runs on screen, lassos Vash, and drags him away screaming.Knives and Wolfwood stare in amazement.)_

_ _

**Knives:**Why are we doing these commercials?

**Wolfwood:**Kibbles 'n' Bits.


	4. Auditioning/Masculine Itching

Largo

Largo

_(Katie and Emilee are sitting in big pink comfy armchairs… with MORE BEER!!!.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Sadly, Michiru is no longer with us.

**Emilee:**She's been taken by the beavers…

_(A happy trumpet-blaring noise is heard in the background.Everyone but Emilee glares at Zazie, the sound guy.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Anyway, this means that we need a new director.And someone to replace Hotaru-chan.

**Emilee:**Bring out our available choices!

_(A disco ball comes out of the ceiling, and snappy disco music starts playing.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Director number ONE!!!

**Emilee:**Regis Philbin!!!

_(Everyone sweatdrops as Regis walks on stage.The room is silent, then Zazie starts clapping slowly.)_

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**Katie:**Um… Director number TWO!

_(The music starts playing again.)_

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**Emilee:**WUFEI!!!

_(Everyone claps as Wufei walks on screen wearing a disco suit and sunglasses.)_

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**Wufei:**BOOYAH!!!

**Katie:**Director number three…

_(A drumroll starts.)_

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**Emilee:**BARNEY!!!

_(Barney walks on screen, and is immediately descended upon by Kata-chan.Three seconds later, there is no more Barney.Well, just some puffy fabric.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Okay… never mind.

**Emilee:**Cast your vote!

_(The Jeopardy theme song plays.)_

_ _

**Katie:**Who will be the new director?Wufei?Or Regis?

_(Regis stares cockily at Wufei.Wufei gives him the finger.Regis scratches his butt.Wufei picks his nose.)_

_ _

**Katie:**And the votes are in!

**Emilee:**Who voted?

**Katie:**Our crew.

**Emilee:**Oh.

**Katie:**And the winner is…

_(Drumroll starts up.)_

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**Katie:**Regis?What?WHO VOTED FOR REGIS?!

_(Everyone looks down sheepishly.)_

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**Wufei:**This is an injustice!I demand a recount!

_(Wufei pulls out an Uzi and shoots Regis.)_

_ _

**Katie:**It seems that Wufei wins by default.

_("Stayin' Alive" starts playing.)_

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**Sasami:**Zazie!

**Zazie:**Sorry.

_(The music stops.Wufei sits down in his… well, Michiru's director's chair.)_

_ _

**Wufei:**I'd like a Mountain Dew on the rocks!

_(Nobody moves.)_

_ _

**Wufei:**Come on, chop chop, the director can't wait all day!

**Kata-chan:**YES YOU CAN!!!

_(Wufei sweatdrops.)_

_ _

**Wufei:**Exactly what I was saying…

**Katie:**Good.Now, back to the auditions.

**Wufei:**Hey!Wait!Son't I give the orders?!

**Emilee:**No, you're just here for comic relief.

**Zazie:**Like me.I just sit here and annoy them.

_(Emilee glomps Zazie.)_

_ _

**Emilee:**Yes, but you're so CUTE!!!

**Zazie:**GET HER OFF ME!!!

**Katie:**Excuse us while we… um… restrain Emilee.

**_AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS._**

**_ _**

_(Knives and Wolfwood are standing on a golf course.)_

_ _

**Knives:**Oh, MAN!

**Wolfwood:**What's wrong, Knives?Masculine itching?

**Knives:**How'd ya know?

**Wolfwood:**It's a guy thing.But thankfully, there's a way to stop it.

**Knives:**Really?

**Wolfwood:**When your body heats up, enzymes can cause unsightly itching.

**Knives:**Boy howdy!

**Wolfwood:**But thankfully, there's new Itch-B-Gone!

**Knives:**Wow!

**Wolfwood:**And with just one scoop applied to the affected area…

_(Knives starts unbuttoning his pants.)_

** **


	5. Oh the funky horror! It's Al Gore! Als...

Largo  
  
Katie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Emilee: Dear Ed...  
  
Katie: Oh well... back to the prop guy auditions...  
  
Emilee: Read off our candidates, my dear Zazie!  
  
Zazie: But I'm just the sound effects guy!  
  
Katie: That you are. Now READ!  
  
Zazie: Fine. The first candidate for assistant prop guy is... uh... what does that say?  
  
Emilee: Dilandau! Come on out, Dilly!  
  
(Dilandau walks on stage, cackling maniacally as 'Burn' plays in the background.)  
  
Zazie: Our second candidate is... Tim. Who's Tim?  
  
(A potato bounces onto stage. Kata-chan, Katie, and Emilee clap.)  
  
Emilee: Tim is my telepathic potato who lives in the closet.  
  
Katie: Yay Tim!  
  
(Tim makes happy noises.)  
  
Katie: Yay!  
  
Emilee: The story of Tim is a long and sad one...  
  
Katie: We're already telling a story! Maybe Tim can be on Biography next.  
  
Emilee: Yay!  
  
Zazie: (impatiently) On to the next candidate... Al Gore!  
  
(Al Gore walks onto stage.)  
  
Wufei: *gasp* I thought I killed you! You were dead!  
  
Gore: No. I only appear that way.  
  
Wufei: Oooooooooo-kay...  
  
Katie: And we'll be right back with the results of the votes!  
  
Emilee: Is it just me, or are there a lot of commercials on this show?  
  
And now... a word. From our sponsors. Yeah. That's it.  
  
(Scene: A courtroom. Wolfwood is wearing a judge's wig.)  
  
Wolfwood: So, defendant...  
  
Legato: The urge...  
  
(All the Gung-Ho Guns burst through the door singing "He's got the urge...")  
  
Legato: I've got the urge to herbal!  
  
Gung-Ho Guns: NATURAL BOTANICALS!  
  
Wolfwood: I didn't say anything about the urge.  
  
(Music stops. Everyone freezes.)  
  
Legato: Oh.  
  
Knives: Since I'm legally obligated to be in this commercial, here I am. 


End file.
